1 - Rauf to Ajem [sent via email]

salam sidi,

to summarize: 
- the advice is to establish trust with her so she can open up with me and allow me into her inner world, it will facilitate a healthy relationship & better communication, which we seem to be lacking right now. 
- the issues I am mentioning are not major and are generally part of any relationship.

my concerns:
- the things i brought up with you and others aren't one-off experiences that I am extrapolating. it's her personality. her personality is passive, inactive, stubborn, angry, irritable, fussy, high taste, lying, and to top it off, no desire to work. she has never held a real job. i don't know how she was supporting herself. 
- she is actually passionate about sleeping & resting. she couldn't go to ikea and grab a bunch of things before passing out. some of these things were also confirmed by her own family. everyone in the family is educated and is a professional of some sort. i don't admire and respect these long list of qualities that she has. the hanger example is just an example of an experience ... it's driven by an underlying personality trait. 

We are a gross mismatch and are highly incompatible. night and day. because of the mismatch, we lack a relationship. everything i do, she doesn't. and everything she does (sleep mostly), I don't. It bothers her a lot when I am up and about doing things. She is not a homemaker. Even my dad, who met her a handful of times told me that. based on the qualities I have seen, I have very little confidence she will be able to handle motherhood and the tough family life that is yet to arrive. I have very little confidence. I see women hauling kids around for activities and all sorts of stuff .. she can barely haul 3 superstore bags. and after that she has to rest for 8 hrs lol.

I didn't signup for a bed-ridden patient, sidi. I need a healthy partner and a wife. Someone I can rely on day to day and has a loving, calm, caring personality. her public and private profiles don't match up.

I suspect she also wants someone easy-going ... someone who likes to sleep in a lot and is not as active. who can cuddle with her for 18 hrs a day. basically who doesn't have a lot going on in his life. I do think she is extremely uncomfortable by the way I am on a day to day basis. Often times I am multitasking ... and she has said several times "just relax" lol. I tell you, she wants a silent / sleeping yogi. A super active guy is bad news for her.

these are our personalities, sidi. at 34 she is not going to change much. change is very hard. i can't motivate her. motivation is an internal thing and no one can instil drive in the person. she can change, but she has to be willing to do the work. and i am neither banking on it nor expecting it. and if she is stubborn right out of the gate, I have little confidence she has a desire to change anything about herself. if that was the case, she already would have.

even now, we haven't spoken for nearly 3 weeks and I will bet she is fuming still. 

I am really quite disappointed in Sidi Mohamad, tbh. He could've prevented this. He knows a lot about her and could've simply said to steer clear. even now, instead of being neutral and hearing things out, he is nowhere to be seen. if anything he is probably cussing me out. she has said several times, "only sidi mohamad has my back."

i can go on for a while, sidi. bottom line:
- we are extremely different in effectively every aspect of life and has caused friction, a ton of it. I am not quite sure if it will go away. 
- factoring age, it's a massive gamble and a high-risk project.
- i know we are trying to reconcile and i will definitely do it because Shaykh wants it to be done, but i don't know about the odds. 
- i most definitely don't want to reconcile apologetically. the personality traits are real and must be known that these were effectively hidden. i did bring up sleeping with sidi mohamad before nikah and shot me down saying "you want to give her a checklist" .. which i thought was an immature and a stupid response to a very valid question. 

duas.

salam